* * A Current Exclusive * *

By Tom Porter

In surprise news of a deal made in secrecy over recent days, Town Manager Paul Bockelman announced Monday that the Town of Amherst, where famously “only the ‘H’ is silent,” will sell its vestigial ‘h’ to the City of Northampton for $1.2 billion. The move comes following a recommendation to the Town Council by the Finance Committee, which voted unanimously to endorse the contract (non-voting resident members were characteristically silent on the issue).

Once recent attention to government efficiency brought the neighboring towns’ misplaced “h” resource to light, the issue took on added urgency very late on Friday evening, when the President chided Governor Healey on X, “Is IT North Ampton, or NORT HAMPTON?”  The Governor was reportedly spotted Saturday afternoon emerging from the Tunnel Bar with Northampton Mayor Gina-Louise Sciarra, and Sciarra and Bockelman have since acknowledged meeting over the weekend with help of an intermediary negotiating team to take action, stating jointly, “We’re delighted to fix a problem that has gone unrectified for over 250 years.”

From the largesse, Amherst taxpayers will get unexpected relief in the form of individual tax rebates equal to $10,000 for each year they have resided in Amherst. Tax rolls in Amherst show 39,263 living Amherst residents will benefit, including a mouse family who have been living in the Jones Library since it opened a century ago.

With any remaining balance of funds the town will consider underwriting the premium for an insurance policy to reopen the 14” deep wading pool – with a 6’4” lifeguard – at Groff Park. 

The Town Council has declared April 1 to be “Amerst Day” and will gather at 3:00 pm today to read a proclamation on the steps of Town Hall commemorating the Town’s new prosperity, and to lead townsfolk in a rendition of “ ’Appy Days Are ’Ere Again!”  

Still, some worry about backlash. A citizen’s group has already formed to oppose Town Hall’s decision, so Amerst Police Department and CRESS are both mobilized to respond to any disturbance over erasure of the vaunted “h.” Mill District business leaders Herrell’s and the Harp expressed concern over their own “H” status, with representatives quoted saying, “It’s a slippery slope.”

The town of hadley (formerly “Hadley”) is rumored to have brokered the deal, purchasing the lower case ‘h’ from Am(h)erst for its own use, marking up the goods and delivering its original “H” to NoHo, which will use the capital letter to formally reincorporate as North Hampton. For serving as middleman, hadley will earn a brokerage fee of approximately $75 million.

North Hampton will finance the purchase with a hundred-year bond. 

At press time The Current has learned that Amherst College, whose endowment of $4.31 billion has posted mixed returns in recent years, is reportedly considering a similar arrangement with the posh resort community of Southampton, NY.

Tom Porter grew up in Amherst, and worked in television and finance before moving home with his wife Lisa and four children. He lives in South Amherst and serves on the Town Council Finance Committee as a resident, non-voting member.